day 6

the river has always felt like a great metaphor for  life. its continuous stoic flow across seasons and weathers. its journey from the mountains to the ocean, from the beginning to the boundless, and effortless unafraid losing of self. as if there is none, or no need for one when you are the infinite. its banks, their trees, the changing scenes, the plants it touches, carries along, maybe for a while. and its soul inside those waters. the calm in the flow. 

I always loved but never felt at home with this metaphor as I could never flow with water. I can now and it is liberating. I went to the deep end yesterday. just once, with a trusted buddy who promised I'll be safe. it was terrifying, but unshackling. I saw, felt and let go in the flow, even if for a bit. It was a first, an exhale, a release. 

'I know it's scary, I too was. the fear is of drowning and I'll show you a leg trick to not drown. just watch me under water. Also - I will be beside you. you stay close to the pool walls. Just trust me.' - she said. 

... 

A moment's distraction, some forethought as if, and then Xena slowly stepped ahead to hit the red alarm button. The first tap did nothing. A longer press maybe. After thumb pressdown and a brief, breathless moment, a panel light flashed and a text on the digital screen confirmed dialing up the monitoring center was in progress. As both fixed eyes on the panel for call initiation and shifted closer to the door expecting to hear the alarm ring, nothing happened. The screen suddenly died. So did the tiny flashing light. 

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